THE ALCOHOL RETHINK PODCAST
Episode 258: Are You Still Doing the Work?
Patrick Fox
EPISODE SUMMARY
What does “doing the work” mean when not drinking alcohol is no longer the main focus of life? In this episode, sober coach Patrick Fox explores how the work evolves after someone quits drinking, from managing alcohol cravings and changing drinking habits to avoiding complacency in sobriety and deciding what to do with the life, energy and clarity they have regained. The episode looks at long-term sobriety, sober motivation, personal growth after alcohol, the difference between contentment and complacency, and how to build a meaningful alcohol-free life without turning sobriety into another self-improvement project.
TOPICS AND SEARCH TERMS
Doing the work in sobriety; how to stop drinking alcohol; life after quitting alcohol; long-term sobriety; sober motivation; complacency in sobriety; alcohol-free life; changing drinking habits; managing alcohol cravings; personal growth after sobriety; staying sober without willpower; men’s sober coaching; building self-trust; life after alcohol; purpose in sobriety; The Alcohol ReThink Podcast; Patrick Fox.
TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to The Alcohol ReThink Podcast, the show designed for men who are ready to rethink the role of alcohol in their lives.
Get ready to hear coaching insights, powerful tools, captivating interviews and firsthand experiences, all dedicated to helping you rethink your relationship with alcohol for good.
I’m your host, Patrick Fox.
Let’s go.
Hi guys, and welcome to episode 258 of The Alcohol ReThink Podcast.
“You’ve got to keep doing the work.”
You’ve probably heard somebody say that about sobriety before.
I’ve said it myself.
But what does it actually mean?
Because there’s a danger that “doing the work” becomes another way of telling yourself you’re not good enough.
Another course to complete.
Another habit to master.
Another goal to chase.
Another version of yourself you need to become before you can finally feel okay about who you are.
So today, I want to talk about what doing the work looks like when alcohol is no longer the main problem in your life.
Because doing the work changes as your sobriety changes.
At first, sobriety needs your attention because alcohol is loud.
Later, it needs intention because alcohol has gone quiet.
When you first stop drinking, the work can be very practical.
Getting through an urge.
Changing your evening routine.
Preparing for your first sober night out.
Learning what happens at five o’clock when you’ve had a stressful day and your brain starts telling you that a drink would help.
You might be listening to podcasts, reading books or reminding yourself regularly why you decided to stop.
Alcohol requires your attention because it has occupied such a big part of your life.
Then, gradually, something changes.
You start making progress.
The urges don’t come as often.
You begin trusting yourself.
You not only get through the holiday, the wedding, the birthday and the stressful week without drinking, you start looking forward to them without booze.
Not drinking stops being the main thing you think about.
And that is a good thing.
That is the point.
I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life waking up every morning thinking, “I must not drink today.”
There may be times, particularly in the beginning, when taking it one day at a time is exactly what you need.
But the idea that I need to spend the rest of my life keeping alcohol at bay?
Fuck that.
Alcohol isn’t at the centre of my life anymore, and I don’t believe it needs to stay at the centre of yours.
But as you mature in sobriety, the work needs to evolve.
In the beginning, the work is about changing your drinking. Understanding your patterns, developing more compassion for yourself and learning how to respond differently.
Later, the question begins to change.
It moves from, “How do I stop drinking?” to, “What do I want to do with the life I’ve got back?”
Because removing alcohol creates space. It gives you more time, energy, clarity and capacity.
But it doesn’t decide what you do with any of it.
That part is up to you.
The work might now mean looking at your health, your relationships, the way you show up as a dad, your business, your confidence or the amount of fun and adventure you have in your life.
Not because every part of you needs upgrading. And not because you need to build some extraordinary life to prove that stopping drinking was worthwhile.
It’s about choosing where you want to grow rather than simply drifting because alcohol is no longer causing an obvious problem.
Because there can be a stage where things are going well enough that you stop paying attention altogether.
You’re not drinking, but you’re perhaps no longer actively connected to what you want this next part of your life to become.
Life just starts happening.
Work.
Kids.
Bills.
Dinner.
Sofa.
Scrolling through your phone.
Bed.
Then you wake up and do it all again.
Nothing is necessarily wrong.
You’re not in crisis anymore.
You aren’t waking up hungover, trying to remember what you said or feeling like a piece of shit because you broke another promise to yourself.
But you’re not exactly lit up by your life either.
And this is where complacency can begin to creep in.
Complacency doesn’t always mean you suddenly want a drink.
Sometimes it means you’ve stopped being intentional about the life you worked so hard to get back.
You start taking your progress for granted.
Clearer mornings, better sleep and being more present with your family no longer feel like progress. They just feel normal.
The emotional weight of the past begins to fade.
You stop doing some of the things that helped you create change.
Not because you’ve decided to give up, but because you’re no longer paying attention.
There is a difference, though, between complacency and contentment.
Contentment is an active appreciation of your life.
Complacency is gradually disengaging from it.
Contentment doesn’t mean you have to be chasing the next goal.
It means you can enjoy what you already have without believing you need to achieve something else to prove your worth.
Complacency is different.
It’s when you stop participating.
You stop noticing what you need.
You stop responding to the things that aren’t working.
You start drifting through the life you’ve created.
I think that distinction matters because I have spent a lot of my life trying to improve myself.
Long before I stopped drinking, I knew I wanted things to be different.
I knew there were parts of my life that weren’t working, and I kept looking for answers.
I did courses.
I read books.
I listened to people who appeared to have worked everything out.
And a lot of it was genuinely helpful.
I learned ideas and tools that have shaped who I am and the work I do today.
But there was also something else driving that search.
Underneath it was the belief that there was something wrong with me.
I wasn’t meeting myself where I was and trying to understand what I needed.
I was treating myself like a problem that had to be solved.
The answer was always somewhere outside of me.
Maybe the next course would give me the missing piece.
Maybe the next book would explain why I was the way I was.
Maybe somebody else could finally tell me what I needed to change so I could feel better about myself.
The challenge wasn’t that I was learning.
Learning is brilliant.
The challenge was the relationship I had with it.
I was often learning from the belief that I wasn’t enough.
And sometimes, searching for the next answer becomes a way of avoiding the answer you already have.
You can read a book about boundaries without setting one.
You can listen to a podcast about difficult conversations while continuing to avoid the conversation you know you need to have.
You can complete a course about confidence without taking the action that would require you to risk being judged.
You can understand exactly why you drink and still pull into the shop at five o’clock because you haven’t practised doing anything differently.
You can learn about self-compassion while continuing to speak to yourself like you’re a piece of shit.
Sometimes we need new information.
There are things we don’t know and tools we haven’t learned yet.
But sometimes we already know enough.
The work is applying what we know.
It is setting the boundary.
Having the conversation.
Driving past the shop.
Putting the phone down.
Asking for help.
Taking the action that feels uncomfortable.
There is a big difference between learning about change and practising it.
And I think we have to be careful that sobriety doesn’t become another self-improvement trap.
You stop drinking and then find a new list of things to beat yourself up about.
You should be further ahead by now.
You should be fitter.
You should be calmer.
You should have a better relationship.
You should be making more money.
You should be doing more with the life you’ve got back.
You stop attacking yourself for drinking and start attacking yourself for not being impressive enough in sobriety.
It’s the same self-rejection wearing more respectable clothes.
That isn’t what I mean by doing the work.
Doing the work does not mean spending the rest of your life trying to fix yourself.
It means continuing to pay attention to yourself and your life.
Sometimes that attention leads to action.
You realise you’ve been distracted whenever you’re with your children, so you put your phone in another room.
You notice you’re exhausted every evening, so instead of telling yourself to work harder, you protect your sleep.
You recognise you’re becoming distant from your partner, so you start the conversation rather than hoping it will sort itself out.
You admit that you miss having something to work towards, so you enter the event, book the trip or begin creating the thing you keep talking about.
And sometimes you realise you don’t need another goal at all.
You need to stop measuring your worth through how much you can achieve and learn how to be present for the life you already have.
Both can be the work.
The difference is whether you’re responding honestly to your life or trying to escape yourself through constant improvement.
In the last episode, I introduced the Sober Motivation Triangle.
Pain, Progress and Purpose.
Pain keeps you honest about what alcohol cost you.
Progress helps you recognise what has changed.
Purpose keeps you connected to where you’re going.
As your sobriety develops, the triangle develops with you.
You don’t need to keep yourself frightened by the past.
You don’t need to constantly celebrate the fact that you managed another Tuesday without drinking.
And purpose doesn’t have to mean building an empire or completing an Ironman.
It could mean being fully present with your children.
Looking after your health.
Building a business that creates more freedom for your family.
Having the courage to be honest in your relationships.
Or learning how to enjoy an ordinary evening without needing to escape from it.
The point isn’t to create a life that looks impressive.
It’s to stay connected to a life that feels like yours.
So I’m not going to finish this episode by giving you a twenty-question exercise or another worksheet to complete.
I want you to do one small thing.
At some point today, ask yourself:
Where have I stopped paying attention?
Choose one area.
Not your entire life. Just one area.
Then take one small action within the next 24 hours.
Send the message.
Book the appointment.
Put your trainers by the door.
Turn your phone off when you get home.
Write the first paragraph.
Have the conversation.
Do something small that reconnects you with your life.
Not because there is something wrong with you.
Not because you should be achieving more.
But because your life is worth participating in.
At first, sobriety needs your attention because alcohol is loud.
Later, it needs intention because alcohol has gone quiet.
The work now is not to spend every day thinking about alcohol.
It is to make sure you don’t sleepwalk through the life that removing alcohol made possible.
All right, guys, that’s it from me today.
Choose one area where you’ve stopped paying attention and take one small action.
I’ll speak to you again soon.
Take care.
